Have you ever gone through something so traumatic that it has changed you as a person? Something that hit you to the core of your soul? Unfortunately many of us have and its something that will hit all of us during our lifetime. Whether it's a loss/sickness of a love one, relationships, etc.
Today I want to share something with you that I haven't shared with anyone until yesterday. I didn't realize that I was holding on to it and how it affected me until a business call I was on.
During the call, we were instructed to ask any questions we may have surrounding what we've learned so far before we start the next leg of training next week. So as others were speaking, I started writing down my questions to ensure I get them answered. One question I needed help on was how to find my voice with helping women who are struggling after divorce or have ended a long term relationship. I wanted to make sure I stay positive without presenting the negative things they may have endure/continue to endure.
In the midst of writing my questions, I got so emotional. I started tearing up, I was crying, anxiety was hitting me fast and hard. Mind you, I'm on video. It got so hard to control that I had to turn my video off and I was the next in line to ask my question. I began patting my face, asking myself what was wrong, why am I crying, what's going on and everything. Nothing worked. I had to pray, it calmed me down for a moment, then it started up again. Little did I know, a release was happening, then my name was called.......
Ya'll, I turned on my camera and mic and began to speak. I immediately apologized in advance for getting emotional because it was going to happen. Shucks I'm tearing up again as I type this and can't see the keyboard clearly. Hang on, give me a second to regroup.....
Ok. They told me to take my time and that I was in a safe space. I got the question out but I was crying, the tears was just flowing. It was so emotional for me and I didn't know why. Everyone was so comforting that I was able regroup and listen. They told me that I needed to heal from my divorce, but for me I already had. Ya'll know how I feel about the run away husband, lol. After asking me more questions, I finally realized there was one piece I was holding on to. A piece that I've never talked about, hadn't realized I was holding, and it was holding me back. It was the mental trauma I had endured. Everything I had to do to keep pushing through and now I'm about to share it for the first time in order to get the answers I needed. It was at this very moment I realized that I couldn't pour into my customers because I didn't want to deal with this part of the healing process.
This was a dark time in my life. I was blindsided when the runaway husband decided he was leaving. So while we were separated, I dealt with a lot of stuff regarding him that I had never experienced the whole 14 years of marriage at this point. I didn't know who he was anymore. I cried all the time. My body began to break down. I threw up, didn't eat, couldn't sleep and I lost my hair. I truly didn't know the day of the week and if I was coming or going. I would blank out for hours at a time just sitting on my bed. I had to go to the doctor and get all types of tests done because of him. Thankfully I have the best doctor in the world (who is a male) and he was so understanding and said men are stupid, lol.
On top of all of this was the mental challenge to stay employed, be a mom and take care of my grandchildren, pay all the bills on my own and keep my house, cars. etc. Dealing with all of this without any warning damn near broke me.
So how did I endure such trauma. Honestly, I treated myself like a baby at first. I felt like my heart was broken into a million pieces. As if the damage wasn't enough he had to crush those million pieces into dust. From there I had to sweep up my heart, place it in a box, lock it and carry it away snuggled in my arms like a baby and put it away. This was my way of protecting my heart for the rest of my life.
Second, I had to talk to myself. In the midst of the tears and looking straight up horrible, I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself not to cry and that everything would be ok. This went on for years. I still do this to this day when I'm feeling bummed about something.
This is also the time when I found God and started building a relationship with him. People were so quick to tell me to find someone new. (That's wasn't going to happen. My heart is being protected until I'm ready to. Besides, jumping into another relationship when not healed from the previous one is just a distraction. At the end of the day, most don't work out). The other thing I was told to do was to keep busy. Let me tell you, that doesn't work. When someone is dealing with trauma, keeping busy avoids the issue. I needed to address it.
I needed to understand why things happened. It's not just a simple answer as ya'll just grew apart, etc.. The bible helped me understand why it happened and how the situation will affect me and him. It was the comfort I needed. At the end of the day trauma takes time to heal. It never goes away, it just doesn't sting as much as it did initially.
So you may be asking yourself how did beauty therapy help me heal? Well because I had my company, I learned how to focus on myself. When you have a family we tend to take care of them more than ourselves. I learned coming out of a long term marriage that I had to learn who I was, what I liked, didn't like, etc. But first, I needed to take care of myself. I began taking my skincare to another level. I looked at every aspect of my body and told myself I will take care of you. I began taking my time with pampering myself, even talking to myself along the way, lol. It wasn't easy and I'm still challenged with some things but this when I began loving myself and healing. Making time for me and treating myself as I should be treated. Happiness and strength comes from knowing who you are, not who you are when in a relationship.
The next step was to make new memories. When all you have are memories of your marriage, its hard to move forward but you have to at a good pace. So I took myself out to eat, movies, etc. Hung out with some friends, my girls and grandkids. I found opportunities to live for me and smile my way out of heartache. Once I was on a good path, I began to focus on my home. My home had been at a standstill for years. Last year I decided to make improvements that included finally putting up a new fence in my back yard, and new furniture for my front room/dining room. I'm still adding new pieces, but I have to pace myself, stuff is expensive these days, lol.
Allowing myself to heal and learning how to love myself was the turning point of my life. It's getting better and shaped me into the woman I am today.
If you made it to this part, thank you. You now know something about me that many would never know. The reason I wanted to write this blog is to continue releasing this trauma and continue the healing process. Since yesterday, I feel like weight has been lifted off my shoulders and my belly has emptied. Leave me a comment below if you ever dealt with mental trauma and also share with someone you think this could help.
Until next time,